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Courting in the Ton: dowries, love letters and the language of fans

The secrets of successful dating in
Bridgerton's Regency era: revealed.

The cast of Bridgerton stand outside Ranger's House and greet Colin, returning from his Grand Tour in a long brown overcoat.

Colin returns home from his Grand Tour in Bridgerton Series 3. Image source: Netflix

Colin returns home from his Grand Tour in Bridgerton Series 3. Image source: Netflix

Simon and Daphne, Anthony and Kate, Colin and Penelope… As binge-worthy period romp Bridgerton highlights, the hunt for a husband or wife in Regency Britain was a serious matter, equal parts romance and business.

In this high-stakes game, a couple had to navigate the strict code of etiquette that governed Regency courtship. Here's our guide to navigating the stormy waters of romance in the Regency.

Celebrating romantic love in the Regency era

The Regency was a time in which romantic love was celebrated. While money and social status were important considerations when it came to marriage, ideally love would also be in the mix.

It was increasingly understood that finding harmony and compatibility through shared interests and values led to more stable marriages.

Courting the right or wrong person could make or break reputations and fortunes. A young, single woman's imperative was to find a husband, while protecting her all-important reputation. It was down to the gentleman to do the work of wooing and winning a wife.

However, in an age with a rigid class and social structure, it was important to marry someone from a similar background in order to uphold the social status quo and to ensure that wealth, status and power remained in the hands of the elite.

Money itself wasn't enough. Background, education and familial lineage were just as, if not more, important.

A man in Regency dress, with a blue coat and yellow knickerbockers hands a young woman wearing a white dress a letter.

"A receipt [i.e. recipe] for courtship", a 21 December 1805 caricature mildly satirizing the courting customs or romance rituals of 1805 England.

"A receipt [i.e. recipe] for courtship", a 21 December 1805 caricature mildly satirizing the courting customs or romance rituals of 1805 England.

Old money and new money: the rules

Running a business and being 'in trade' was thought of as earning 'new money', in contrast to 'old money' derived from land and property and held by a select group of families for generations, like the Bridgertons.

While 'new money' could give access to an elite social sphere, 'old money’ families were often wary of this blurring of the traditional class divides. In a male-dominated society, this tended to impact women more than men.

The son of an aristocratic family might successfully court and marry a merchant's daughter, if her fortune was great enough, and her reputation beyond question. He might even be encouraged to do so in order to boost his family's wealth.

However, a nobleman's daughter would likely not be allowed to marry a merchant, because her family's great estates might fall under the control of someone 'in trade'.

Wrest Park, another English Heritage site used during the filming for Bridgerton.

Wrest Park, another English Heritage site used during the filming for Bridgerton.

In any case, if a woman did not have a substantial dowry (such as money, property and land), male suitors from good families were likely to be scarce, as is the case with the Featherington sisters in Bridgerton.

The characters in Bridgerton walk through the imposing hall, past a grand staircase at Wrest Park. Several of them are looking up at the impressive paintings that line the walls.

The characters from Bridgerton arrive at the Fuller's house, which was filmed inside Wrest Park. Image source: Netflix

The characters from Bridgerton arrive at the Fuller's house, which was filmed inside Wrest Park. Image source: Netflix

The 18th-century marriage season

The London marriage season was the most important opportunity for young people to meet a suitable partner and form an attachment.

In the period between roughly October and late June, wealthy and aristocratic families would descend on the capital while parliament was in session. MPs and those who sat in the House of Lords were confined to the city in order that they could attend daily meetings, vote on the issues of the day and generally get on with the business of government. Many men (and they were all men) would bring their families with them to town.

The 'London season' grew in response to this influx of the upper-class people who needed to be entertained. 

A black-and-white illustration shows several aspects of 'The Season' from the perspective of different women.

"The Coming Season", an 1870 cartoon satirizing the London social 'season' as printed or reprinted in Harper's Bazar magazine. Image source: wikimedia commons

"The Coming Season", an 1870 cartoon satirizing the London social 'season' as printed or reprinted in Harper's Bazar magazine. Image source: wikimedia commons

By the late 18th century, the London season was firmly established as a marriage market for the children of the elite.

Young women of around 17 or 18 were launched into society with a formal presentation to the monarch at the royal court.

This would often take place at Queen Charlotte's Ball, held annually from 1780 to celebrate the queen's birthday. Here, young women would take it in turns to curtsey to the queen, who stood beside an enormous birthday cake. 

A portrait of Queen Charlotte by Thomas Gainsborough. The queen wears a lavish gold, white and yellow dress, with a bow at the centre, and frills over her elbows. She has grey hair worn up in an ornate hairdo. There's a brown and white dog at her feet.

Queen Charlotte (1744-1818) by Thomas Gainsborough, c.1781. Image source: wikimedia commons

Queen Charlotte (1744-1818) by Thomas Gainsborough, c.1781. Image source: wikimedia commons

Over the months that followed, young people would attend a whirlwind round of balls, assemblies, performances, concerts and sporting events in the hopes of finding a suitable marriage partner.

An illustration of the inside of the Theatre Royal in Drury Lane from around 1808. It's packed with people in all tiers of the venue.

Interior of Theatre Royal, Drury Lane circa 1808. Published as Plate 32 of Microcosm of London (1808). Image source: wikimedia commons

Interior of Theatre Royal, Drury Lane circa 1808. Published as Plate 32 of Microcosm of London (1808). Image source: wikimedia commons

The most active part of the season was the period between Easter and when parliament adjourned for the summer, usually in July or August.

After the close of the parliamentary session, elite families would leave London and return to their country estates or might visit a spa such as Bath or Cheltenham, or a fashionable seaside town like Brighton or Weymouth, where there were further opportunities to make a good match.

An illustration of a Regency ball, with women wearing long white, pink and yellow dresses, while the men are wearing smart, black evening wear.

Illustration of a ball at Almack's Assembly Rooms, King Street, London, c.1825. Image source: wikimedia commons

Illustration of a ball at Almack's Assembly Rooms, King Street, London, c.1825. Image source: wikimedia commons

Courting in the Regency: a very public affair

Dating – known as 'courtship' or 'wooing' – for young people like Bridgerton's Penelope and Colin was a public affair.

Young people from wealthy, high-status families moved through a variety of defined social spaces, where they could meet and get to know potential suitors.

First and foremost, a formal introduction was required before a young man and woman could speak to each other. Traditionally, an older male relative or friend would perform the introductions for the women in his family, after which they could socialise with their new acquaintances.

A colour illustration of two men, one in a soldier's uniform, meet a group of women in long Regency dresses and bonnets.

C. E. Brock illustration for the 1895 edition of Jane Austen's novel Pride and Prejudice (Chapter 15)

C. E. Brock illustration for the 1895 edition of Jane Austen's novel Pride and Prejudice (Chapter 15)

The Regency offered a host of new public spaces created to support the marriage market, including assembly rooms, pleasure gardens, art galleries and concert halls, where young people could mingle, under the watchful eye of a chaperone.

A courtship could only progress with the full knowledge and approval of the couple's family and friends. Regency courtship was something of a spectator sport.

A colour illustration of the inside of Somerset House, packed with people and paintings. The crowds are all in Regency dress, some in red soldiers' uniform jackets.

An Exhibition at Somerset House by Thomas Rowlandson and Augustus Pugin, 1800. Image source: wikimedia commons

An Exhibition at Somerset House by Thomas Rowlandson and Augustus Pugin, 1800. Image source: wikimedia commons

In Bridgerton, London's social high-flyers devour the gossip supplied by Lady Whistledown. In reality, the fashionable elite, known as the 'Ton' (from 'le bon ton', a French phrase meaning 'good or elegant style') would gather at salons to gossip over the latest courting couples.

Ranger's House, the exterior is used as the Bridgertons' London home in the Netflix show. Find out how to visit this elegant Georgian mansion here.

Ranger's House, the exterior is used as the Bridgertons' London home in the Netflix show. Find out how to visit this elegant Georgian mansion here.

And as print media boomed, so too did the first gossip columns dedicated to the lives, loves and scandals of the rich and titled.

The Bridgerton family are standing outside their home, wearing smart evening wear. Colin and Eloise embrace to one side, while other members of the family look on and smile.

The Bridgerton family welcome Colin back from his travels. Image source: Netflix

The Bridgerton family welcome Colin back from his travels. Image source: Netflix

Chaperones: the fiction and the reality

While Bridgerton's Colin and Penelope regularly meet without a chaperone, in the Regency, a young unmarried woman was never alone in the company of gentleman outside her family circle.

In a time when modesty was considered one of the most important female virtues, it was not enough for a woman to be chased, she had to be seen to be so.

Except for a walk to church or in the vicinity of their home in the early morning, a young woman could not even go out without an appropriate companion. Under no circumstances could a young woman call upon a gentleman alone unless consulting him on a professional matter.

If a gentleman were to call on a young woman at home, he would do so during the family's 'at home' hours, when her mother, aunt or other chaperone would be present.

The Adam Library at Kenwood House, London

The Adam Library at Kenwood House, London

Chaperones were usually older female relatives, but a female friend would sometimes fulfil this role, or for short walks and horseback rides, a trusted maid or groom might serve as an appropriate companion to protect a young woman's reputation.

At social events, a chaperone was there to safeguard a woman's modesty and reputation and to protect her from fortune hunters, rakes and seducers, while also manoeuvring their charge toward an advantageous marriage. 

While in an ideal world, a young couple would not find themselves alone until the gentleman had proposed, in reality, those courting took every opportunity to sneak a few minutes alone together.

A black-and-white illustration of a Regency ball.

A ball at Almack's Assembly Rooms in London by George Cruikshank. Image source: wikimedia commons.

A ball at Almack's Assembly Rooms in London by George Cruikshank. Image source: wikimedia commons.

The importance of dancing in Regency-era romance

Dancing gave young lovers a chance to talk tête-à-tête, albeit in public. When a couple took a turn on the floor, the lady's chaperone had to remain on the sidelines, keeping a watchful eye on the proceedings, but with little chance of overhearing their conversation.

An illustration showing three men and two women demonstrating the five positions of dancing, their feet in each of the five positions. They all wear Regency dress; the women's dresses, in pink and peach are particularly lovely. The men wear white knickerbockers and double-breasted jackets with wide collars and sloped shoulders.

The five positions of dancing from Thomas Wilson's Analysis of Country Dancing, 1811. Image source: wikimedia commons

The five positions of dancing from Thomas Wilson's Analysis of Country Dancing, 1811. Image source: wikimedia commons

Under cover of the music and in the guise of the dance, young people could talk and even touch in ways not permitted elsewhere.

However, as dancing more than two pairs of dances with the same man risked a young women's reputation, other, less public rendezvous were sometimes contrived.

An illustration of two men and two women in Regency dress, dancing. Two are facing away; the other two are facing forwards. One man wears striking yellow gloves and kisses one woman's hand.

The First Quadrille at Almack's. Image source: wikimedia commons

The First Quadrille at Almack's. Image source: wikimedia commons

Promenading and pleasure gardens

Promenading – a leisurely walk in a public place, taken for pleasure, rather than to get from A to B – was particularly fashionable during the Regency period. It was a way for fashionable men and women to 'see and be seen'.

While young women from the upper classes would always have had at least one chaperone with them, promenading offered a chance for ladies and gentlemen to put themselves on public display and, it was hoped, attract the eye of an admirer.

An illustration of two couples meeting. Both women wear long dresses and bonnets, and carry parasols, while both men wear smart boots, high-waisted trousers and jackets with tails.

Illustration by Charles Edmund Brock (1870-1938) for Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (1775-1817) (London: Macmillan & Co, 1895)

Illustration by Charles Edmund Brock (1870-1938) for Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (1775-1817) (London: Macmillan & Co, 1895)

Equally, being in such a public setting and attracting so many glances would ensure that nothing untoward would, or could, happen. During the London Season, it was a social 'faux pas' not to be seen in Hyde Park, known simply as 'The Park', between 5pm and 6pm, the promenading hour.

Over the course of the 18th century, pleasure gardens with designated areas for promenading sprang up across the country. By the end of 1800, there were more than 100 pleasure gardens in London alone. Probably the most famous and fashionable was Vauxhall Gardens, a visit to which became a key part of the London marriage season.

An illustration of Vauxhall Pleasure Gardens from 1810. In front of a shining colourful stage and balcony, many figures in Regency dress are dancing and enjoying a party.

Vauxhall Gardens, Plate 89 of A Microcosm of London (1810). Image source: wikimedia commons

Vauxhall Gardens, Plate 89 of A Microcosm of London (1810). Image source: wikimedia commons

The Gardens included an open piazza with paved walks where people could promenade.

Costumed balls, concerts, masquerades and firework displays were held in the evenings, with pauses between the entertainment long enough to allow visitors to promenade some more.

A colour illustration of a concert at Vauxhall Pleasure gardens. There's a tall balcony and theatre boxes to the left of the picture. On the ground in front, hundreds of people in colourful Regency clothes crowd around.

A concert in the Vauxhall Pleasure Gardens 1784. Engraving by Francis Jukes after watercolour by Thomas Rowlandson. Image source: wikimedia commons

A concert in the Vauxhall Pleasure Gardens 1784. Engraving by Francis Jukes after watercolour by Thomas Rowlandson. Image source: wikimedia commons

While most of the walkways in Vauxhall Gardens were lit at night by hundreds of lanterns, the so-called 'dark' or 'close' walks were left unlit. Under the cover of darkness, the gardens offered an opportunity for couples to mingle without a chaperone or even sneak off to be alone, something that could cause a huge scandal if they were caught. 

While the original Vauxhall Gardens closed in the mid-19th century, today you can try your hand at some promenading in the gorgeous grounds of English Heritage properties including Marble Hill, Kenwood, Chiswick House and Wrest Park.

Two women in modern dress walk in the grounds of Marble Hill, one carrying an umbrella. They are watched by a cyclist, who is riding in front of the house.

Take a promenade in the grounds of Marble Hill in Twickenham.

Take a promenade in the grounds of Marble Hill in Twickenham.

A view of the grand south walk in Vauxhall Gardens by John Sebastian Miller. Image source: wikimedia commons

A view of the grand south walk in Vauxhall Gardens by John Sebastian Miller. Image source: wikimedia commons

The secret language of fans

Like everything else in Regency courtship, conversation between unmarried couples was guided by a strict set of rules.

Advice in conduct manuals instructed young women to listen intently and not to talk too much. Conversations, conducted in public under the watchful eye, and ear, of a chaperone were intended to display one's polite manners and knowledge of the civilised codes of behaviour.

So, when it came to flirting, young men and women found ways to communicate without using words. Women could let their fan do the talking.

Fans were a staple fashion accessory for affluent women in the Georgian period and where and how a fan was carried could form part of coded 'language,' used to convey emotions and desires.

For example,

  • holding your fan in your left hand showed that you wished to make the acquaintance of the person at whom the fan was waved
  • drawing the fan across your forehead meant you and your admirer were being watched
  • touching the fan to your cheek signalled that you loved the other person.

In his colourful autobiography, Casanova, the famous Italian philanderer described how women would use their fans to try to attract his attention, by signalling, gesturing, beckoning or even hitting him with their fans.

One Georgian commentator wrote that: 'There is an infinite Variety of Motions to be made use of in the Flutter of a Fan'
and that:
'Women are armed with fans as men are with swords and sometimes do more executions with them.'

A colourful caricature of two women in slightly absurd Regency dress at a ball. Both carry enormous fans.

James Gillray - Characters in High Life published by Hannah Humphrey in 1795. Image source: wikimedia commons

James Gillray - Characters in High Life published by Hannah Humphrey in 1795. Image source: wikimedia commons

The art of the Regency love letter: some privacy in public courting

The Georgian era was the great age of letter writing. As more people learned to read and write, the exchange of love letters became a cornerstone of Regency courtship.

Love letters gave their writers a chance to express feelings that couldn't be aired in public.

A gentleman had to formally ask a woman's permission to enter into correspondence and accepting signalled that the relationship was serious, and an engagement was anticipated.

Love letters were a serious business not only for the sentiments they contained but also as physical tokens of love. Letters were precious possessions to be endlessly read and re-read, caressed, kissed and breathed in. They might be kept under lock and key, carried around in a lover's pocket, or hidden beneath their pillow to inspire sweet dreams. 

Many found writing allowed them to express feelings they wouldn't dare share in spoken words.

While a woman's letters were expected to be modest and reserved in order to protect her reputation, gentlemen were more effusive because it was their responsibility to secure a match. Many were filled with introspection and self-revelation, musing on the depth of their feelings and the nature of love.

Curiously, despite their often deeply personal nature, love letters were not necessarily private and might be passed around between family and friends.

No first names were used while courting. Couples would initially refer to each other as 'sir', 'madam', 'my lord', 'my lady' or 'your grace' depending on rank, before progressing to Mr or Miss, or Lord and Lady so and so. Using a person's first name indicated a special degree of intimacy.

Letters often reveal when someone gave permission for a suitor to use their first name, signalling that a relationship was becoming more serious and an engagement was on the cards. That intimacy might progress to pet names like 'my dearest love' once an engagement was announced.

A sketch of a young man in a blue shirt reading a letter by the fireplace. Behind him, servants make his bed, and take away a tray of food.

The Undergraduate's Room by Thomas Rowlandson (1757–1827). Image source: wikimedia commons

The Undergraduate's Room by Thomas Rowlandson (1757–1827). Image source: wikimedia commons

Other secret love messages from the Regency era

Wooing couples might exchange a variety of romantic gifts while courting.

The onus was principally on the male suitor. A gentleman might give his sweetheart his portrait miniature or silhouette, a specially mixed perfume or book with passages underlined, so that the couple could test whether they were literally on the same page.

A miniature portrait of Lord Augustus Hervey by John Smart in a snuff box lid.

A miniature portrait of Lord Augustus Hervey by John Smart in a snuff box lid.

Gifts given by women were usually handmade: an embroidered handkerchief, waistcoat or a watch chain made from her plaited hair.

The act of making demonstrated her virtue and accomplishment, as well as her investment in the relationship through the time and effort she dedicated to it. When a gentleman wore such a handcrafted creation in public, it signalled to the world the seriousness of the courtship. 

The progress of a Regency courtship could be tracked through the succession of gifts given.

A lock of hair was a particularly symbolic gift. Literally cut from the body, like everlasting love, it did not fade or decay over time. To exchange locks of hair was a sure sign of an impending engagement.

The Georgians set locks of hair into an assortment of jewellery including buttons, brooches, lockets, bracelets, and rings, often intricately plaited and studded with tiny seed pearls, or even cut up to make delicate hair-work paintings.

Reverse of a miniature with the sitter's hair and initials 'AJ' in seed pearls.

Reverse of a miniature with the sitter's hair and initials 'AJ' in seed pearls.

If couples could successfully navigate the complex world of Regency dating, reputations intact, they might just get their happily-ever-after.

Pen arrives at Wrest Park, standing in for the Fuller's home in Bridgerton series 3.

Pen arrives at Wrest Park, standing in for the Fuller's home in Bridgerton series 3.